


It's Always Sunny in Ba Sing Se

by SteveAtwater



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Crappy Sexual Innuendos, I Don't Even Know, Insanity, Multi, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2020-11-23 01:31:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20883953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveAtwater/pseuds/SteveAtwater
Summary: "The Gang" takes over for "The Gaang."





	1. Sweet Dee Destroys an Iceberg

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably evidence that I have gone completely and utterly insane. I don't know what possessed me to think that this was anything like a good idea. I don't know if it _is_ a good idea or whether I should continue this or just delete it (because again, WHAT THE HELL?).
> 
> Whatever. Read it, and comment. Or don't read it, and comment. Just tell me: continue this or trash it?

_Water._

_Earth._

_Fire._

_Air._

_My grandmother used to tell me stories about the old days. A time of peace, when the Avatar kept balance between the Water Tribes, Earth Kingdom, Fire Nation, and Air Nomads. But that all changed when grandpa left, apparently because he had to "seek out his destiny at the North Pole" or some bullshit. __Also, apparently the Fire Nation wiped out the Air Nomads for some reason, and that's like a problem or something? I don't know. Point is, because the Fire Nation is fighting everyone, we no longer have good whiskey and have to settle for crappy-ass kelp moonshine. I _hate_ kelp moonshine._

_But there's some hope, because there's this guy called the Avatar, who's supposed to keep the peace between all the benders. I'm one of them, and my brother isn't, so suck it Dennis! But the Avatar vanished, so...kelp moonshine._

_About two years ago, my father left in order to venture into the Earth Kingdom to try and scrounge up some decent beer. And also because apparently Mom slept with every other man in the Water Tribe. But I haven't lost hope. I still believe that somehow, someway, I'll be able to find true love, success as an actress, and worldwide fame._

_Or at least a good fuck and some decent booze._

* * *

Two figures sat in a canoe that floated silently in ice-laden waters.

"C'mon..." Dennis muttered to himself, tracing the figure of a fish as it swam by. "Just come a little closer, let me stab ya..."

Dee rolled her eyes and watched another fish swim by. She removed one of her gloves and pulled at the water, bringing up an orb of liquid with a fish inside.

"You mean like this?" she asked her brother.

Dennis didn't even turn around. "Nobody cares about your magic."

Dee scowled, moved the globe of water over her brother's head, and let go of it. The fish landed on Dennis's head and bounced into the water.

"Dee, you bitch!" Dennis complained. "It's fucking freezing, and you dump water on me?"

Dee stuck out her tongue. "Serves you right."

Dennis scowled. "Just keep your weirdness away from me."

"I'm weird?" Dee complained. "I'm not the one who makes muscles at himself everytime he sees his reflection in the water!"

"You would too if you looked this fantastic," Dennis said. "At least I never needed a back brace."

"Yeah?" Dee said angrily. "At least I can get a date!"

"I could get a date if women didn't talk to each other!" Dennis said. "And at least I don't look like a bird!"

"Oh, that's it!" Dee said, lunging at him. The duo began brawling in the canoe, not noticing when a riptide formed and sent them swiftly towards an iceberg. They continued to fight until the canoe was caught between two drifting floes that shatter the boat, sending them tumbling out onto one of the floes right next to the iceberg.

Dennis sat up and huffed. "Nice job, Dee. Now we're stranded!"

"I wasn't the one steering!" Dee said angrily.

"No, you were just the one bitching!" Dennis responded. "Now shut up while I figure out how to get us out of here."

Dee rolled her eyes. "Why don't I just waterbend us back to shore."

Dennis smirked. "Yeah, like you can do that."

"Fuck you!" Dee said angrily, sitting down again.

"Don't pout, Dee," Dennis said. He smirked. "It's not your fault you're so useless."

"Oh really," Dee said. "I'm useless."

Dennis shrugged. "Yeah."

Dee got to her feet to face her brother. "I am not useless!"

Dennis raised an eyebrow.

"I do the cooking! I do the cleaning! I wash your dirty socks, which by the way have you smelled them? They smell like penis!" she continued. "And I know WHY they smell like penis!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Dennis interrupted. "I am not–"

"It's because you stuff your parka!" Dee continued, barreling over him. "And it doesn't work because in case you haven't noticed, nobody is interested in you because they all know you're a creep! Nobody likes you!"

As Dee ranted, the iceberg behind her began shifting with her movements until cracks appeared and it suddenly broke apart. A large wave formed and crashed over the floe, which bobbed to the surface seconds later, both siblings wet and coughing.

"Fantastic job, Dee," Dennis said sarcastically. "You managed to soak both of us this time."

"Fuck you," Dee said before launching into another coughing fit.

Behind them, part of the broken iceberg resurfaced, a figure inside glowing with blue light. Neither sibling noticed.

"So what do we do now?" Dee asked once she had finally gotten her breath back.

"Well, I guess we hop across the ice until we can get home," Dennis said.

The two siblings turned around. Their eyes widened as they noticed the glowing iceberg.

"Holy. Fuck," Dennis breathed.

"The hell is that?" Dee asked shrilly.

"Quiet!" Dennis snapped. "Don't say anything, don't make any sudden movements. If we don't do anything, maybe it won't notice us."

Dee looked at him skeptically. The iceberg continued to bob steadily in front of them.

"Yeah, fuck that," Dee said. She grabbed the whalebone club from Dennis's back.

"Dee, don't!" Dennis yelled.

It was too late. Dee threw the club at the iceberg, and it impacted with a harsh thonk. The iceberg split apart, and the glowing figure rose high into the air, casting its light for miles around.

* * *

Out in the open ocean, an iron ship steamed along steadily. A figure on the ship spotted the light, and his face cracked into a smile.

"Finally," the man said. He turned around. "Uncle, do you know what this means?"

His uncle–a short, portly, balding man–took a sip from his beer. "You're about to do something stupid?"

"It means my search is about to come to an end," he said.

Liam's uncle sighed.

"That light came from an incredibly powerful source!" Liam argued. "It has to be him."

"Just give up, already," his uncle advised. "We were given a free ticket to go all over the world, and you've spent it chasing a myth. Why don't we just go up to the Earth Kingdom and pick us up some hooers?"

"I DON'T NEED ANY HOOERS!" Liam said angrily. "I need my sister's pussy! Helmsman! Head a course for the light!"

* * *

Dee and Dennis watched as the light faded and the figure sank back down to earth...before falling off of the iceberg and into the water. The body floated up to them, and Dennis prodded it with the blunt end of his spear.

"You think he's dead?" Dee asked.

Dennis cocked his head. "Would it be gay if he was?"

"Dennis!" Dee said, shocked.

"What?" Dennis asked. "You said it yourself, nobody here will sleep with me." He hauled the body out of the water. It let out a groan, and Dennis dropped in on the ice out of shock.

The body's eyes snapped open.

"Whoa..." the man muttered. "What'd I miss?"

The man was slim, in his mid-thirties, with wild black hair and sparkling brown eyes. He was wearing clothes that were much too light for the weather that were currently soaked through. He shook his head.

"Damn," he muttered. "I think I sniffed too much glue." He noticed his companions. "Who are you guys?"

"I'm–" Dee started to say.

"Hold up," Dennis said, pointing the sharp end of his spear at the newcomer. "Who are _you?_"

The newcomer used a gust of air to push himself to his feet, shocking both siblings. "I'm Charlie. I'm an airbender. And this is..."

Charlie turned around and scratched his head. "Huh. Well he was here a moment ago."

"Maybe he's back in the iceberg?" Dee suggested.

"Dee!" Dennis complained. "We don't want to even the odds!"

Charlie used a gust of air to push himself over the remnants of part of the iceberg, where he found a giant white buffalo sleeping on the other side.

"Should we just leave?" Dee asked her brother.

Dennis listened to Charlie trying to wake up his friend. "Yes. We should."

Before they could leave, though, the bison stuck his head over the top of the ice wall and sneezed, showering them both with snot.

"Don't worry!" Charlie called over to them. "It'll wash out!"

A sour look came to Dee's face, and she turned to leave. Her eyes widened, and she gasped.

"Dennis!" she said frantically. "Where's all the ice?"

Dennis turned around and groaned. While they were distracted, all the other ice floes had floated away, leaving them surrounded by frigid ocean.

"If you want, we can give you a lift," Charlie said, poking his head out over top of the bison.

"Fine. Whatever," Dennis said in a clipped tone of voice.

He and his sister clambered onto the bison. Charlie took the reins.

"Alright, first-time fliers hold tight!" Charlie said. "Appa, yip-yip!"

"Wait, fliers?" Dennis said worriedly. "What do you mean fl–"

The bison leapt 20 feet in the air. Both Dee and Dennis screamed.

* * *

The Fire Nation ship steamed towards the frozen shore. Liam McPoyle stood at the prow of the ship, watching the path of the ship. His uncle came up behind him.

"I'm going to bed now," Liam's uncle said. He yawned dramatically. "Yep. Without anybody to keep me...company."

Liam turned around, surprised. "Uncle, I thought you'd never offer! Of course I'll–"

"Not you!" Liam's uncle said. "Liam, we need to turn this ship around and find us some _real_ company. And some decent food. I'm sick of eating fish."

Liam turned away from him. "I would eat fish every day, if it meant I would once again be reunited with my siblings."

"Even if the Avatar is alive, you're not gonna catch him," his uncle wheedled. "Your father couldn't find him, nor could your grandfather–"

"Their sex lives didn't hinge upon finding the Avatar," Liam countered without turning around. "I will find him, I will capture him, and I will fuck my sister again!"

* * *

The bison landed in the water lightly and began swimming forward. Charlie frowned.

"C'mon, Appa!" he urged. "Fly! Yip-yip!"

The bison continued to swim, ignoring Charlie's commands.

"Oh, well," Charlie said. "He must be tired."

Charlie lay down on the bison's head, staff behind his head, and smiled as he stared at the sky. Dee shuffled over to the front end of the saddle and looked at him.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," Charlie said calmly. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"I guess I was wondering..." Dee trailed off. "You wanna fuck?"

Charlie's eyes widened. "Whoa, what? WHAT?"

Dee looked uncomfortable. "You know. You, me, the beast with two backs?"

"Uh, no. No," Charlie said. "No. No offense, but uh..."

"What?" Dee asked angrily. "I'm not pretty enough for you?"

"It's not that!" Charlie said quickly. "It's that, uh..."

"WHAT?" Dee snarled.

"You look like a bird," Charlie said meekly.

In the back of the saddle, Dennis cracked up.

"Charlie, I think you and me are gonna get along just fine."

* * *

When the bison made it to shore, they found the whole village there to greet them. Dee grabbed Charlie by the ear and hauled him ashore.

"Charlie, this is the whole village. Whole village, this is Charlie," Dee said bluntly.

Charlie waved to them nervously. "H-hey?"

"Well hello there," an elderly woman said. "What's your name?"

"It's Charlie, Gran-Gran," Dee said bluntly. "Quit pretending you didn't hear me."

"It's Charlie," Dennis confirmed.

"Oh, well nice to meet you Charlie!" Gran-Gran said. "Tell me, what's a strapping young lad doing out here all by yourself?"

Charlie shrugged. "I 'unno. I went to sleep one night, woke up here." He grinned. "How'd you know we were coming?"

"Dennis's watchtower," Gran-Gran said, pointing to a puny structure that might have been six feet tall. "He's such a wonderful boy. Always doing such useful things. Unlike his lazy, layabout sister."

"Oh, that's it!" Dee said angrily. "Forget this, I have chores to do!"

Dee stomped away from them. The small crowd parted to let her through.

"So, Charlie," Gran-Gran said, sidling up to him and slipping an arm around his shoulders. "You must be quite a hunter to bring us all this meat."

"Meat?" Charlie asked, confused.

She gestured to the giant bison. "Of course. Once we finish stripping the meat from its bones, we'll have food for years."

Appa made a worried noise. Charlie chuckled.

"Oh, that's not meat," Charlie corrected her. "That's Appa. He's my flying bison."

"And I'm sure he'll be delicious," Gran-Gran said. "So tell me, Charlie...who's the oldest woman you've ever slept with?"

Charlie scratched his head nervously. "Uh..."

"Because, between you and me, I bet we can beat that record," Gran-Gran said.

Charlie blinked nervously and stepped out of Gran-Gran's grasp. "I think I'll, uh...I've gotta make it home, I'm sure somebody will want to know where I've been!"

Charlie quickly unfolded his staff into a glider and used his airbending to take flight. The village gasped.

"By God, it's an airbender!" one of the villagers cried. "I thought they were all extinct!"

Charlie twisted in surprise, inadvertently throwing the glider into a sharp turn. He crashed into the so-called watchtower, knocking it down and himself unconscious.

* * *

On the deck of the Fire Nation ship, Liam was sparring with two firebenders. He leapt out of the way of a pair of fireballs, but growled as he had to bend over to steady himself on the landing.

"Do it again!" Liam commanded. "I have to be ready to fight the Avatar!"

Liam's uncle groaned. "Why don't you relax, Liam? That was plenty good enough."

"No, it wasn't!" Liam said angrily. "If I'm ever going to regain my honor and get back home, I need to defeat the Avatar! He's over a hundred years old, which means he must be really experienced! I cannot fail!"

"You're not going to get a hundred years of experience in a day," Liam's uncle pointed out. "C'mon over here, and have yourself a beer. It's Earth Kingdom clear, and ice cold from the atmosphere."

Liam snarled. "I can't drink and fight! Don't you know what happens when alcohol gets too close to an open flame?"

Liam's uncle shrugged. "Suit yourself."

"And stop rhyming!" Liam complained. "It doesn't make you seem clever!"

"Would you say it's never clever?" Liam's uncle countered with a smirk.

Liam snarled and turned back to his sparring partners. "Again!"

* * *

When Charlie woke up, he was in a Water Tribe hut, on a cot next to a roaring fire. Also, he was completely naked underneath his blanket.

"What happened?" Charlie asked worriedly.

"Don't worry," Gran-Gran told him. She was sitting in a rocking chair on the other side of his bed and sipping from a mason jar. "Your clothes are over there in the corner. And I didn't do anything to you." She leaned over to whisper in his ear. "That you wouldn't want me to do, that is."

Charlie looked uncomfortable. "I'm just going to get dressed now."

Gran-Gran smiled and took a sip from her mason jar. "Go right ahead."

Charlie looked around. "Aren't you going to, uh...leave?"

"Now why would I do that?" she asked.

"To give me some privacy?" he suggested.

The old woman cracked a smile. "Don't worry about that, Charles. I've already seen..._everything._"

Charlie shivered, and it was only 75% because of the frigid surroundings. Quiet settled on the hut for a minute.

"So," Charlie said, deciding to break the silence. "What did that guy mean when he said he thought airbenders were extinct?"

"Oh, we haven't seen one for oh, about a hundred years, give or take," Gran-Gran said. "Thought the Fire Nation wiped them all out, we did!"

"What?" Charlie gasped, sitting straight up in the cot. "What do you mean, wiped them all out?"

"Well, in the war, you know," Gran-Gran explained.

"There's a war?" Charlie asked. He stood up. "I have to get dressed."

"Sure is!" Gran-Gran chirped. "The Fire Nation invaded and killed off all the Air Nomads close to a century ago. Darn shame, too. I always liked those Air Nomads, what with all their coming, and going...and _cumming._ It was always a good time when they came to town." Charlie started to pull on his pants. "HEY!"

Charlie stopped, scared. Gran-Gran stood up and walked over to him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Do it..._slower,_" she said breathily.

Gran-Gran returned to her chair. Charlie continued to slowly put his pants on.

"So...the Air Nomads were wiped out?" he asked nervously.

Gran-Gran chuckled. "We thought so. But you're evidence enough that they weren't!"

"Well, I mean–" Charlie said uncomfortably.

"Oh, I know for certain," Gran-Gran said. "You've proven it to me, all right!"

Charlie continued to slowly dress in silence.

* * *

Once he was dressed, Charlie ran out of the hut. He ran into Dee and Dennis, who were arguing again.

"Well I say that you–" Dennis started to say.

"Guys!" Charlie interrupted. "I need your help!"

Both siblings rolled their eyes.

"What help could you get from a bird?" Dee asked sarcastically.

"Yeah," Dennis said. "You wrecked my watchtower!"

"It was more of a small platform," Charlie pointed out. "But you've gotta get me outta here!"

Dee and Dennis looked at each other, and then back to Charlie.

"We're listening," Dennis said.

"Okay, so I gotta get back to the Air Nomads," Charlie said. "And since they haven't been around here forever–"

"That's because they don't exist, Charlie," Dee said harshly. "They're gone. Dead. Finito. Wiped out. No longer with us."

"Corpseariffic," Dennis added.

"Extinct," Dee finished.

"What?" Charlie asked. "No, no...no! How long was I in that iceberg?"

"Gee, I dunno, Charlie!" Dee said. "Long enough for the Fire Nation to kill them all!"

"So you're saying she's not senile?" Charlie asked, gesturing back towards the hut. "That–all that happened?"

"Duh," Dennis said.

"No," Charlie said worriedly. "No, no, no no no no no! Guys! You've gotta get me outta here!"

"What's in it for us?" Dennis asked.

"Well, uh...Dee!" Charlie said. "You're a waterbender, right?"

Dennis snorted. "Not a very good one."

"Hey!" Dee complained. "I'd be better if I had a teacher!"

"You don't have a teacher?" Charlie asked. "No wonder you suck."

Dee huffed. "I'm the only firebender at the South Pole!"

"Well okay then!" Charlie said. "We head up to the North Pole, find you a waterbender, it's all good!"

Dee looked like she was considering it.

"You expect me to let you go off on your own with my sister?" Dennis asked. "You may have wrecked my watchtower, but no way am I letting you undergo that torture! No, if you're gonna hurt, it's gonna be because of _me._"

"Well then come along with us!" Charlie said. "What have you got to lose?"

Dee shrugged. "Nobody's gonna sleep with you here anyway."

Dennis thought about it for a few seconds before smirking. "You've got yourself a deal."

"Well we just have to figure out a way to get out of here," Charlie said. "We could take Appa...wait, shit, Appa! Is he okay?"

"He swam off," Dennis said bluntly. "_Apparently_ he doesn't care about the _good of the tribe!_"

"Right, so, find Appa, get to the North Pole," Charlie said. He stopped. "How are we gonna find Appa?"

"Well, there's a Fire Nation ship beached down the shore," Dennis said. "We could see if we can get it running...but that's a lot of work."

Dee leaned over and whispered in Dennis's ear. Dennis's eyes widened.

"To the Fire Nation ship!" he declared.

* * *

The ship was decrepit and rusting, several feet inland from the shore. Nevertheless, the trio boarded it in the hopes of being able to find some way to get it running again.

"We've gotta be careful," Dennis warned. "Who knows what these Fire Nation types did to booby-trap their ship?"

Dee snorted. "Booby-trapping their own ship? Who would be dumb enough to do that?"

"I don't know!" Dennis said. "I'm just saying, we don't know what we're walking into!"

"We're walking into a ship, Dennis," Dee said bluntly. "An abandoned ship that nobody's touched for decades."

"Look, if it's really been that long, then the booby-traps probably don't work anyway," Charlie said. "Now let's hurry up and find the engine room."

The trio continued on in silence. They came to a room with a grate for a door. The door was half-up and half-down. Charlie nodded.

"Yeah, this is it," he said.

"Really?" Dee asked. "It looks more like a prison cell."

Charlie snorted. "What would a prison cell be doing on a ship?"

"Uh, holding prisoners?" Dee suggested.

"Please, we both know the Fire Nation takes no prisoners," Dennis said.

"Yeah, I mean look at this door," Charlie said. "It keeps out intruders and offers privacy, but if someone hijacks the ship it's easy to throw stuff at them. It's perfect for an engine room!"

Dee rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

Charlie and Dennis stepped inside. Dennis's foot brushed a tripwire, and the door slammed shut behind them.

"Dee, you bitch!" Dennis yelled.

"I didn't do anything!" Dee defended herself.

"Uh, guys?" Charlie said.

"WHAT?" Dee and Dennis both yelled.

Charlie pointed at the wall of the room, where a contraption had been set off. As he and Dennis watched, a fuse was lit and smoke started to billow out from it. After a few seconds, a rocket took off into the sky and exploded at the peak of its arc.

"Well that's just great," Dennis said. "We're trapped in here and just set off a signal to the Fire Nation, and it's all because of Dee!"

"Nice going, Dee!" Charlie complained.

Dee spread her arms in the universal signal for 'what the fuck is wrong with you I didn't do anything.'

"Hold on," Charlie said, looking up.

"What?" Dennis asked.

"I know how we can get out of here," he said.

"How?" Dennis asked.

"Trust me," Charlie said.

Dennis looked uncertain. Charlie grabbed him, pulled him into a hug, and used airbending to lift them through a hole in the roof.

Dee scowled. "I'll just meet you guys outside!" she called to them.

"Don't trip any more booby traps!" Dennis called back.

"Fuck you!"

* * *

Drawn by the sight of the flare, Liam watched through a spyglass as Charlie and Dennis hopped down from the top of the wrecked ship and onto the ground in a way that could only be done by an airbender.

"The last airbender," Liam muttered. "Quite agile for his old age." He turned to his crew. "Wake my uncle! Tell him...I found the Avatar." He leaned down to his spyglass again and saw them running towards the village. "As well as his hiding place."


	2. The Gang Fucks the Southern Water Tribe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, apparently there's now a second chapter to this thing, and I'm still not sure whether to continue it or delete it.

When the trio returned to the village, they found everyone waiting for them.

"Hey guys, what's the haps?" Charlie asked nervously.

"The haps?" a villager asked. "The haps? The haps is you just set off a flare and you're gonna lead the Fire Nation right to us!"

"I didn't do it!" Charlie said quickly. He pointed at Dee. "She did it."

"No I didn't!" Dee said, offended.

"Deandra!" Gran-Gran said commandingly. "Take responsibility for your actions!"

"My actions? I didn't do anything!" Dee defended herself. "Dennis is the one who set off the flare!"

"Please, he wouldn't do that," Gran-Gran scoffed. "He's a good boy. Unlike you. Why can't you be...less you?"

"Look, what's done is done," Charlie said. "Okay? So...what do we do now?"

"Get slaughtered by the Fire Nation, probably," Gran-Gran said.

"WHAT?" the trio said in unison.

Gran-Gran shrugged. "Well, we _are_ at war with them."

"You know, I've been wondering about that," Charlie said, stepping forward. "What started the war?"

"Enh," Gran-Gran said, waving a hand. "I think it was something about illegitimate children and the Air Nomads. Not sure why the Fire Nation got so upset about it, though. Illegitimate children is just what the Air Nomads do."

Charlie looked troubled. "Are you talking bad about my mom?" He took a threatening step forward. "This is the pole, right? Is Santa Claus here?"

Dennis grabbed Charlie's shoulder gently. "Tone it down, okay? We just have to...uh..."

"Run and hide like the cowards we are?" Dee suggested.

Charlie shrugged. "Works for me."

"No, no, we're not being cowards," Dennis corrected. "We're making a strategic retreat."

"Oh, just get out of here," Gran-Gran said impatiently. "I have to prepare for...this 'invasion'."

Charlie looked at her oddly. "You know, the way you phrased that is really creepy." He looked at Dee and Dennis. "It's not just me, right? That was oddly phrased?"

"Let's just get out of here," Dee said, steering Charlie away from the village.

"Yeah," Dennis agreed. "Fuck the South Pole!"

* * *

**The Gang Fucks the South Pole**

* * *

The trio were ten minutes away from the village before any of them thought to ask where they were going.

"So, where are we going, anyway?" Charlie asked.

"I thought you knew!" Dennis said, shocked.

"I was following you!" Charlie exclaimed.

"I was following you! Dee, you bitch!"

"What did I do?"

"You got us completely lost!"

"I was following the two of you!"

"Dee, you bitch!"

"Okay, calm down," Dennis said. "So we're lost, we have no means of transportation, and the Fire Nation is about to attack our village. That's not too bad, is it?"

"Uh..." Charlie said, pointing into the distance.

"What?" Dee asked.

The siblings followed Charlie's finger and saw a Fire Nation ship steam into the harbor. It didn't stop there, though; it continued moving until it hit ice and then kept going, heading towards the village and cracking the ice in front of its hull. The ship only stopped moving when it made contact with the wall surrounding the village, which it knocked down.

A hatch in the hull opened, coming down to form a ramp. Down the ramp came seven Fire Nation soldiers, who were greeted by several small boys dressed like Raiders fans and several women dressed like hookers. Liam was at the head of the soldiers, and the other six arranged themselves behind them as he made his announcement.

"Where are you hiding him?"

The Water Tribe members looked confused. Liam reached out and pulled Gram-Gram forward.

"He'd be about this age? Master of all elements?"

"Oh, honey," Gram-Gram purred. "Believe me when I tell you, I can master _every one_ of _your_ elements."

To punctuate her point, the old woman rested her hand on Liam's package, giving it a little rub as she did so. Liam let her do this for about five seconds before pushing her back towards the rest of the villagers.

"I'm not gonna say this again," he said threateningly. "Bring me the Avatar!"

The villagers just looked confused. Except for the Raiders fans, who looked like morons. Liam scowled and lit up his hands.

* * *

"We can't let them do this," Dee said.

The trio had gathered on a snowy ridge to watch the invasion. This was partially out of curiosity, partially out of fear, and mostly because they had nothing better to do.

"What?" Dennis asked, confused. "We totally can."

"No, we can't!" Dee argued.

Dennis sighed. "Dee, we totally can. All we have to do is just sit here and let it unfold. That's–that's like the easiest course of action possible."

"I've always said inaction was the best kind of action," Charlie contributed.

"No!" Dee said. "We can't let our Tribe die! We have to do something!"

"Like what?" Dennis asked. "You heard him. Unless we can provide the Avatar–"

"Who, me?" Charlie asked.

Dennis fell silent, and he and his sister turned to look at Charlie.

"What?" Charlie asked. "Do I have something on my face?"

"_You're_ the Avatar?" Dennis asked, disbelieving.

Charlie shrugged. "Well, yeah. I was supposed to learn waterbending soon, but the whole 'trapped in an iceberg for a hundred years' seems to have put a kink in those plans."

"_You're_ the Avatar?" Dee asked, disbelieving.

"Uh, yes, Dee, that _is_ what I just said," Charlie said.

"You're the Avatar," Dennis said. "Unbelievable."

"Well I mean, it had to be somebody," Charlie said.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Dee asked angrily.

"You never asked," Charlie said.

"Well that's just great," Dennis said bitterly. "The Avatar disappears for a hundred years, and it happens to be you. Fantastic!"

"Hey, I didn't mean to disappear for a hundred years!" Charlie defended himself. "I just sniffed too much glue! It happens!"

"Whatever," Dee said. "Just get down there."

"What?"

"Look, he wants the Avatar, you're the Avatar, get your ass down there and save my slutty grandmother," Dee said.

"She doesn't even like you!" Charlie said.

"That's not the point!" Dee said angrily. "Get down there before I punch your face to pieces!"

"All right, all right, I'm going!" Charlie said.

He unfurled his glider and took off for the village.

* * *

"If you don't tell me where the Avatar is in the next five seconds, I start burning things down," Liam intoned. "I don't care if it's the South Pole, I don't care if you're all that remains of the Southern Water Tribe, I don't care that everybody here over the age of consent is looking to suck me off! All I care about is capturing the Avatar and being allowed to come back home so I can fuck my sister again!"

Disgusted expressions appeared on the faces of many of the Water Tribe members.

"Time's running out," Liam said angrily. "Five. Four. Three–"

"I'm here!" Charlie said.

Liam turned to see Charlie descend and land a few feet away from him. Charlie put his hands on his knees and panted for breath.

"I'm sorry, who the fuck are you?" Liam asked.

"Oh," Charlie said, still panting. "Right." He straightened up. "Charlie Kelly, I'm an airbender, and uh, also the Avatar, so...yeah." He held out his hand for a handshake. "I heard you were looking for me?"

Liam grabbed Charlie's wrist. "You're coming with me."

"Whoa!" Charlie said, trying to pull away. "What do you mean–"

"Head a course to the Fire Nation," Liam commanded, pulling Charlie behind him as he boarded the ship. "I'm going home."

The soldiers followed behind him, and the hull's ramp receded and creaked shut. The ship reversed and headed out to sea.

* * *

"...that was not what I expected to happen," Dee admitted.

"Oh really, Dee?" Dennis asked. "You didn't expect the Fire Nation to capture the Avatar?"

"No!" Dee squawked. "I mean, he's the Avatar! He's supposed to be able to fight them off using, like, every element! Just because he hasn't learned waterbending yet...why didn't he use firebending or something?"

Dennis shook his head. "Babygirl, you really are an idiot."

Dee glared at her brother. "What are you going to say _this_ time, Dennis?"

"Uh, hello, the Avatar learns the elements in order?" Dennis pointed out. "So as an airbender, it would be air first, then water, then earth, and finally fire. He only knows how to airbend. Duh."

"Well how would I know that?" Dee complained. "I never got to learn that stuff! Gran-Gran always had me doing laundry and cooking while you got to go to school!"

"Oh, sure, it's all about you," Dennis said, rolling his eyes. "We have bigger problems than you, Dee."

"You mean, because the Avatar was supposed to stand against the Fire Nation and will probably get killed, allowing them to get further along in conquering the world?" Dee guessed.

"What? No," Dennis said. "Who cares about that? He's the only one who can get us out of here so I can get laid!"

Dee scowled at him.

"Oh, don't give me that look," Dennis said irritably. "We both know the only way you find anyone willing to sleep with you is if you leave the South Pole."

"...fuck you."

* * *

The Fire Nation ship set out towards the North. Liam eyed up his captive, who was being held in place by two soldiers with his hands tied behind his back, and ran his hands over the staff they had confiscated.

"This staff will make a fine gift for my father," Liam declared. "I suppose you wouldn't know of fathers."

"Fuck you!" Charlie said angrily.

"Take the Avatar to the prison hold," Liam said. "And take this to my quarters."

The soldiers escorted Charlie away, and Liam handed the staff to his uncle before turning to go.

"Take this to my quarters," Liam's uncle instructed a nearby soldier, handing him the staff. The soldier nodded, and Liam's uncle followed his nephew into the main part of the ship while the soldiers escorted Charlie downstairs.

"So guys," Charlie said, as soon as they were out of earshot. "What do you say you let me go, huh?"

"Silence," one of the soldiers commanded.

"Aw, c'mon, you don't have to tell anyone!" Charlie said. "You can just be all like, 'it was the Avatar! He overwhelmed us with...something.'"

"Silence," the same soldier commanded.

"It'll be our little secret..." Charlie wheedled.

"Shut up!" the soldier behind Charlie commanded, smacking him on the back of the head.

"Ow!"

The soldier in front took out a key and began to unlock the prison door. Charlie's nose twitched, and he sneezed, sending himself and the guard behind him flying into the stairs at the start of the hall and the guard in front into the prison door.

Charlie sniffled and shook his head. "Sorry. Got a tickle in my nose there."

"You son of a bitch!" the guard growled, shoving Charlie off of him and shooting fire at him. Acting on instinct, Charlie sent a burst of wind at him, knocking the flames away and shoving the guard back into the stairs again. Charlie quickly ran up the stairs, leaping over the guard and out onto the deck. He heard the guard yell and ducked just in time to avoid another blast of flame, and quickly turned around and headed for the main part of the ship. He airbent a door open and ran inside, scrambling down the metal hall until he turned a corner and skidded to a halt. Two soldiers stood in front of him, swords drawn.

"Uh, hey," Charlie said nervously. "Any chance you could let me go?"

The soldiers didn't say anything, just readied themselves for an attack. Behind him, Charlie heard a howl of rage, and his eyes widened.

"Oh, shit," Charlie said.

Charlie quickly used a gust of air to send himself up to the ceiling just as the guard rounded the corner and fired off a blast of fire. The soldiers with swords threw themselves out of the way of the blast and dropped their suddenly scalding weapons just as Charlie came down and his bound wrists caught on the edge of the firebending guard's mask.

"What the hell?" the firebender uttered. Before he had time to realize what happened, Charlie lunged forward. The force of his lunge caused the sharp edge of the mask to slice through the ropes tying his hands behind his back, and as he sped forward past the stunned guards the firebender's mask came free and thudded against the ground. Rounding another corner, Charlie came across another firebender, but instead of getting burned he quickly lowered himself into a slide and went under the fire, knocking the firebender's feet out from under him. As the other bender lay on the ground behind him, Charlie quickly got up and began running again.

Soon, he came to the sleeping quarters of the ship. After looking into two empty rooms, he opened a third door and found Liam's uncle sleeping there.

He also saw his staff leaning up against the wall on the far side of the room.

* * *

"Fine," Dee said. "We're rescuing Charlie. How are we gonna do it?"

Dennis smirked. "Dee, I always have a plan."

"So what's your plan?" she asked.

Dennis shrugged. "We find Charlie, we rescue him."

Dee gaped. "That's not a plan! That's not even a checklist!"

Dennis gave Dee a wry grin. "You don't need a plan when you're the man."

* * *

Charlie snuck into the room and tiptoed over to his staff. He grabbed it and allowed himself a grin before turning to leave.

"Hey," a voice said. "Where do you think you're going?"

Caught, Charlie turned his head around and looked over toward the bed.

"Well?" Liam's uncle asked. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Uh...out?" Charlie guessed.

Liam's uncle sat up, and Charlie instinctively assumed a fighting stance.

"Out where?" Liam's uncle asked. "Out into the great big world with all its wonders? Off to do everything and everyone there is to do? For good times with your best friends?"

Charlie's eyes moved from side to side as he contemplated the question. "Yeah?"

"Take me with you."

Charlie's jaw dropped. "What."

"C'mon! Do you know what my life is like?" Liam's uncle asked. "I mean, sure, I'm a wealthy and well-respected Fire Nation general, but look at me! I'm babysitting my twin brother's kid! And why? Because he couldn't stop screwing his sister. Now, I'm not a fan of sister-screwing myself, but you've gotta let kids be kids, right? Life is for the living, death is for the dead. And when I'm dead, well, who gives a shit? Do whatever you want with my body. Eat it, fuck it–oh yeah. Fucking's good. But yeah, go ahead and fuck my corpse, you know what I mean? And kids, hell, if they're gonna screw, they're gonna screw. It's part of life, y'know?"

Charlie's mouth opened and shut like a fish. "I'm just gonna–go now."

"No, wait!" Liam's uncle said desperately. "I've got money! I can help you out!"

Charlie paused for a second and then bolted out the door. He headed for the window at the end of the hall and leaped out of it, unfolding his staff into a glider the instant he was outside, and soared off into the cold polar air.

* * *

"What the hell is this?" Dee asked.

"What the hell is what?" Dennis asked.

"You brought us back to the village to get your fucking elephant?" she asked angrily.

"Hey, Mr. Tibbs is a valued member of this family," Dennis said. "Isn't that right, Mr. Tibbs?"

"Whatever," Dee said. "Just grab your fucking elephant so we can get out of here and save Charlie."

"Nah, that's okay," Charlie said, walking into the hut. "So, you ready to go?"

"Yeah," Dennis said, grabbing a bag and stuffing Mr. Tibbs inside. "I've got everything I need."

"I don't!" Dee complained. "I didn't get any time to pack!"

"Dee, you bitch!" Charlie exclaimed. "We have to leave _right now_, before the Fire Nation finds out I'm missing!"

"On what?" Dee asked angrily.

A familiar snuffling came from outside, and Charlie and Dennis quickly pressed themselves against the walls as a loud sneeze was heard. It was followed by a humongous blast of mucus that hit Dee dead on.

"Gross," Dennis said.

"Yeah, I know," Charlie agreed. "C'mon, let's go."

The trio climbed aboard, with the two siblings taking the saddle and Charlie taking the reins.

"Appa, yip-yip!"

Appa took off and soared into the sky while the two Water Tribe members screamed.

"Jesus Christ, this thing can actually fly?" Dee asked incredulously once her heart stopped pounding.

"Well, yeah," Charlie said. "What'd you think?"

Below them, Gran-Gran returned to her hut, having missed the entire interaction. Her jaw dropped as she took in the snot-soiled bed and back of the hut, with a perfect Dee-shaped silhouette in the middle of it.

"DEANDRA!" she screamed. "YOU GET BACK HERE AND CLEAN UP YOUR MESS RIGHT NOW!"

* * *

Liam stormed into his uncle's room angrily.

"Where is he?" he demanded.

Liam's uncle looked confused. "Who?"

"The Avatar, uncle! Where the fuck is he?"

"Oh, that," Liam's uncle said. "He escaped."

Liam's brow tightened. "You saw him?"

"Yeah, we had a conversation," Liam's uncle said.

"And you didn't think to stop him?" Liam asked angrily.

"No. Why?"

Liam angrily shot a fireblast at his uncle–one that was easily parried away. "Well what am I supposed to do now?"

"Head for warmer shores, find some–"

"We are not getting hooers!" Liam yelled angrily. "If I wanted hooers, there were plenty of them back with the Southern Water Tribe!"

Liam's uncle stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Well then, why don't we–"

"No!" Liam declared. "We are heading after the Avatar, and we are going to find him, and capture him, and bring him back to the Fire Nation, so I will FINALLY BE UNBANISHED AND GET TO FUCK MY SISTER AGAIN! ARE WE CLEAR, UNCLE?"

Liam's uncle shrugged. "Are you sure you don't wanna just go bang some–"

"NO!"

* * *

That night, Gran-Gran tossed and turned in her snot-soaked bed, alone for the first time in many, many years. She stared at the ceiling of her hut angrily, unable to get to sleep.

"Dee, you bitch!" she hissed.


	3. The Gang Hates the Southern Air Temple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it looks like this story is now a thing that's happening. Although whether it will _continue_ to happen is another question entirely.

Charlie guided the flying buffalo down to the beach and hopped off. Sluggishly, Dee and Dennis followed him.

"Well, here we are, guys," he said. "The Southern Air Temple."

"Right, and why are we here?" Dennis asked.

"Well, you know, it's one of the places I grew up," Charlie said. "I thought we could stop in, check things out, see how everything is."

"You do realize that it's been a hundred years since you've been here, right?" Dennis pointed out. "Nothings gonna be the same."

"And also, the airbenders are all dead," Dee said.

"Yeah, sure," Charlie said sarcastically. "I'm so certain that these firebenders could kill every airbender. C'mon, I got away from them easy, and I was frozen in ice for a hundred years! I'm sure it'll be party time when we walk in."

"Party time?" Dennis asked, perking up.

Charlie lifted a shoulder in a shrug. "Okay, maybe not party time party time, but, y'know. Pretty close."

"What exactly is pretty close party time?" Dee asked.

"Well, you know," Charlie said. "There's glue, and beer, and Uncle Jack comes over and hangs out and there's not enough space for everybody to sleep, so you share a bed with him, and you need to reassure him that his hands aren't too small..."

Silence descended on the group.

"Well anyway!" Charlie said cheerily. "Let's go! You're gonna love the Southern Air Temple!"

* * *

****

**The Gang Hates the Southern Air Temple**

* * *

Several iron ships were docked together. From a ship noticeably smaller and dingier than the rest, Liam McPoyle and his uncle exited.

"Uncle, I want the repairs made as quickly as possible," Liam said shortly. "I don't want to stay too long and risk losing his trail."

"You mean the Avatar," his uncle muttered.

"Don't mention his name on these docks," Liam demanded. "Once word gets out that he's alive, every firebender will be out looking for him, and I don't want anyone getting in the way."

"Getting in the way of what, Prince Liam?" an unfamiliar voice demanded.

Liam and his uncle turned to see who had spoken. It was a man in his late twenties with greasy black hair and a desperate face. Liam's eyes widened as he took in the newcomer.

"Ah," Liam's uncle said uncomfortably. "It's–"

"RYAN!" Liam screamed excitedly, throwing himself into his brother and giving him a giant hug. "It's been SO FUCKING LONG SINCE I SAW YOU!"

"I know," Ryan agreed. "It's great to see you again."

"Is Maureen–" Liam started to ask.

"Still at home, with..._Father,_" Ryan said, spitting out the term with a great deal of distaste.

"Oh," Liam said, disappointed.

"And I'm not permitted to have...close relations with you," Ryan added.

Liam's shoulders slumped. "Oh."

"But hey, you've got your own, uh...your own group of naval ships now!" their uncle pointed out. "That's something!"

"Yes, it is," Ryan said. He grinned. "Join me for a drink?"

"Sorry, but we have to go," Liam's uncle said quickly. "We've got, uh–"

"Uncle!" Liam snapped. "Show Prince Ryan the proper respect." He bowed to his brother. "We would be _honored_ to join you for a drink."

The two brothers grinned at each other while their uncle looked uncomfortable.

"And perhaps afterwards, us princes can discuss happenings at the royal court in my...private quarters," Ryan added.

Their uncle's face assumed an expression that was equal parts exasperation, irritation, resignation, and constipation.

* * *

Appa soared through the air, guided by the expert hand of Charlie. In the back, Dee rummaged around in her bag for some food.

"So remind me why we had to stop on that shore for like five minutes?" Dennis asked.

"It was more like an hour," Charlie said.

"So why'd we stop?" Dennis asked.

"Stop where?"

"On the beach."

"What beach?"

"The beach back there!"

"There's a lot of beaches, Dennis, you'll have to be more specific."

"The beach we stopped on, Charlie!"

"The beach we stopped on?"

"Yes!"

"What about it?"

"Why did we stop there?"

"Was there a different beach you wanted to stop at?"

"No, I didn't want to go to a different–WHY DID WE STOP AT THAT BEACH?"

"Well, I mean, I guess we could have stopped somewhere else."

"Charlie! Why did we stop at all?"

"Hey assholes, shut up!" Dee cut in. "Where'd the food go?"

"What food?" Charlie asked.

"The food me and Dennis packed, that's what food!" Dee exclaimed. "What happened to it?"

"Oh, that food," Charlie said.

"Wait a minute," Dennis cut in. "You were looking through my pack?"

"Of course I was looking through your pack, you packed the food!"

"No, packing food was your responsibility."

"No it fucking wasn't! I didn't get to pack anything!"

"And whose fault is that?"

"Yours! You and Charlie made me get on this thing without packing anything!"

"...what's your point?"

"Dennis!" Dee exclaimed. "You forgot to pack food!"

"Packing food was your job!" Dennis shot back, upset.

"You didn't let me pack anything!"

"You were supposed to pack the food!"

"Well how was I supposed to do that?"

"BY PACKING FOOD."

"YOU DIDN'T LET ME PACK ANYTHING!"

"HEY!" Charlie barked. "QUIET DOWN! YOU'RE SCARING APPA!"

Dennis gave Charlie a confused look. "The buffalo? We're scaring a ten-ton flying animal that smells like bird shit and rotting vegetables?"

"Is _anyone_ paying attention to me?" Dee asked angrily.

Dennis ignored her. "How in the world could we _possibly_ scare this thing?"

"Well, you're yelling," Charlie explained. "It kinda, you know..."

"Goddammit, this is important!" Dee said angrily.

"Oh, I'm _yelling,_" Dennis said sarcastically. "What kind of wimpy giant flying buffalo can't take a little yelling?"

"Hey, quit talking shit about Appa!" Charlie said angrily. "At least he's not as useless as Dee."

Dennis shrugged. "Yeah."

"HEY!" Dee barked.

"You know, for someone who looks so much like a bird, it's surprising she can't fly," Charlie pointed out.

"We have flightless birds at the South Pole," Dennis said. "Like penguins."

"Aren't penguins likable?" Charlie asked.

"GODDAMMIT MORONS WE'RE OUT OF FOOD!" Dee yelled.

"QUIT YELLING!" Charlie yelled back.

"Quit yelling?" Dee asked. "_Quit yelling?_ What are we going to _eat?_"

Dennis turned around to face his sister. "Dee, I don't know if you know this, but I don't need to eat. I often don't eat."

"Yeah, I know, Dennis, you skip lunch," Dee said.

"And breakfast. And do you know why I do this, Dee? It's because my body is so incredibly efficient that I, I don't need to eat that much. In fact, I can go days, weeks even without eating anything at all, and I will still be the amazing golden god that I am. So I'm sorry, Dee, but I don't see what the big deal is about us not having food."

Dee looked at him, flabbergasted. "Do you really believe all the crap that comes out of your mouth?"

"It's the truth, Dee," Dennis said calmly. "Just because you refuse to accept it doesn't make it any less true."

"And besides, I'm sure the Southern Air Temple has plenty of food," Charlie added. "We'll stop in, grab some lunch, some food for the road, and it'll all be good."

"Apart from the fact that the airbenders are dead," Dee said.

Charlie shrugged. "If you say so..."

Ahead of them, a temple on top of a mountain peak rose up out of the clouds. Charlie guided Appa towards it.

* * *

Liam, Ryan, and their uncle were gathered in Ryan's quarters. A large map of the world had been set up on one wall, and Ryan was detailing his plans for his guests.

"...and by the end of the year, the mass graves of the Si Wong Desert will be ours," Ryan finished. "Truly, this will be a massive undertaking, but the spoils will be well worth the effort."

"I don't get it," their uncle said, swallowing an entire egg in one bite. "Why's the Si Wong Desert so important? It's a desert! There's nothing there!"

"I told you," Ryan said. "Mass. Graves."

"Yeah?" their uncle asked. "What about them?"

"Uncle!" Liam said, sounding upset. "The desert winds cause bodies to mummify if they're left out! These mass graves contain thousands of mummies, none of which have rotted away to uselessness!"

Their uncle stared straight ahead for a few seconds and then shook his head. "Still don't get it."

"Imagine an orgy...with corpses," Liam said.

Their uncle's eyes widened, and his mouth formed an 'o' of understanding. "We've gotta get over there!"

Ryan's hand came down on his shoulder to restrain him. "We haven't captured the graves yet. But once we do..."

"Mummy party?" Liam guessed.

Ryan nodded, grinning. "Mummy party."

* * *

Dee and Dennis strode up one of the paths that led to the main temple.

"You know, Charlie wasn't wrong," Dee said. "This is a pretty nice place."

"Yeah," Dennis said. "I wouldn't mind living here."

"Although the air's a little thin," Dee admitted.

"But it's not bad," Dennis said. "I can see why Charlie wanted us to come here."

Dee turned around. "Charlie! Come on!"

Charlie rounded a curve, breathing heavily, and stopped, hands on his knees. "Why! Is this trail! So long!"

"We didn't build it!" Dennis called back. "Now c'mon, you're the one who wanted to see the temple!"

"I didn't remember–there being–so much walking!" Charlie complained.

"Move it!" Dee yelled. "I wanna go somewhere with some food!"

Charlie took a deep gulp of air and started walking forward again.

* * *

When Charlie finally arrived at the top of the path, he collapsed on the ground. Dee and Dennis stared at him, annoyed.

"Really, Charlie?" Dee complained. "You're supposed to be showing us around!"

"Too...tired," Charlie choked out. "Need...rest...and beer. Beer...and maybe some spray paint."

"Nobody cares," Dennis said, ignoring him. "Who's this bald guy?"

Charlie looked up. "Oh, that's Monk Gyatso. He was my teacher."

* * *

Monk Gyatso took a pan out of an oven. "But the true secret, is in the gooey center." He used airbending to whip the cake up. A bald boy facing away from him while sitting on the ledge sighed as the monk set down the cake to cool. "My cake-baking technique isn't the only thing on your mind, is it?"

"I'm just bored," the bald boy said. "There's nothing to do around here."

"Nothing to do, hmmm?" Monk Gyatso said, eyes twinkling. "I think I can think of something. Charlie!"

Charlie poked his head out from the inside of the temple. "Yeah, what's up?"

"Your shoes are untied," the monk said.

Charlie looked down, then looked up just in time to take an airbent cake to the face. Both the monk and the boy chuckled. The cake fell to the ground and was instantly swarmed by ants.

"My shoes are just fine," Charlie said. "Hey, is that cake?"

"Yes," the monk said. "Come, share with us."

"Sure, no problem," Charlie said, picking up a piece of the destroyed cake from the ground. He stuffed it in his mouth, ants and all. "Good cake!"

Both the monk and the boy looked disgusted.

* * *

"You must miss him," Dennis said.

"Nah, not really," Charlie said. "Guy was a jerk." He pushed himself to his feet. "Alright, let's go in."

"Where are we going, Charlie?" Dee asked.

"Kitchen," Charlie said. "There should be some food in there."

Charlie entered the temple. Dee and Dennis looked at each other.

"There's not going to be any food in there," Dee pointed out. "This sucks."

"Yeah," Dennis agreed. "He drags out all the way out here, and for what? There's no women, no booze–nothing! What a waste of time."

Dee shook her head. "I don't know why we put up with him."

"Yeah," Dennis said. "Wanna ditch him and steal his buffalo?"

Dee considered it for a few moments. "Nah. Let's just get this over with."

* * *

The trio walked up to a large door that was bolted shut.

"You know, nobody could have survived in there for a hundred years," Dennis pointed out.

"Why not?" Charlie asked. "I spent that much time in the iceberg."

"You were frozen!" Dennis said, agitated.

"Yeah, I know," Charlie said. "And they weren't. So obviously, if I survived, so did they. Right?"

Dennis blinked several times. "That is _not_ how it works!"

Charlie stared at the door, thinking.

"Charlie!" Dennis said.

Charlie snapped his head over to him. "Huh? What? Did you say something?"

"...no," Dennis finally said, exasperated. "But the doors locked, so let's just turn around and go."

"Not just yet," Charlie said, waving him off. "There should be some food in here."

Charlie charged at the door and slammed into it full force. The door didn't budge, but Charlie fell to the ground, clutching his shoulder.

"Hold on," Charlie grunted. "Just need to try that again."

Charlie got up and charged the door again, slamming the same shoulder into it. Once again, the door didn't move, but Charlie fell to the ground, this time letting out a cry of pain.

"Okay, Charlie, you see that contraption on the door?" Dee pointed out. "I think that's the lock."

Charlie looked up at it. "Oh. Yeah. Right, airbending."

Charlie walked up to the lock and sent a blast of air through the lock. The tumblers turned, and the door creaked open. Charlie led them inside.

"Hello?" he called. "Anyone home?"

The kitchen was completely dark.

* * *

Liam's uncle stood up. "Well, it's been fun, but we ought to get going."

"Of course," Ryan said. "But first, I'm going to need to see Liam in my private quarters."

Their uncle looked uncomfortable. "Uh, well, I'm not exactly–"

"Certainly, brother," Liam said. "Let us converse in private."

Ryan looked confused. "Converse? I thought we were gonna–"

"Let's just go," Liam interjected, pushing his brother forward.

Their uncle watched them leave, irritated, then shrugged. "Oh well. Guess I oughta see what they've got in the way of broads around this joint."

* * *

The kitchen was filled with statues and empty of cookware, stoves, utensils, cabinets, shelves, and most importantly, food.

"Where's the food!" Dee complained.

Charlie smacked his forehead. "Right, this is the secret hidden inner temple chamber! I always get it mixed up with the kitchen!"

"Secret hidden inner temple chamber?" Dennis asked. "Is that why all these statues are here?"

"Who are these guys, anyway?" Dee asked.

Charlie squinted. "I dunno, but they look familiar."

"You probably saw them when you were hunting for the kitchen," Dennis said. "C'mon, let's go."

"Yeah, sure," Charlie said. He turned to go and tripped over a lemur. "Goddammit!"

Dee cackled. Charlie growled, picked the lemur up, and stuffed it into his coat. "I hate this place."

* * *

Liam and Ryan fell down on Ryan's cot, kissing and grabbing at each other. Liam tore off Ryan's cloak, and Ryan followed up by shoving his hand down the front of Liam's pants. Liam kissed his brother frantically, trying to force his tongue down his throat, as Ryan worked to get Liam's pants off from the inside. When he finally undid the main button and unzipped the fly, Liam pushed himself free, panting.

"Do you have the milk?"

Ryan pointed to three glasses at the side of the tent. "Lukewarm, Skim, and Extra Fat Lukewarm."

Liam threw himself on his brother again.

* * *

Charlie threw open the doors to the _real_ kitchen. "Here we are! This should have something to eat, or drink, or..."

Charlie trailed off. The kitchen was littered with the skeletons of long dead Air Nomads and Fire Nation soldiers.

"Jesus Christ that's a lot of corpses," Dennis said.

Tears sprung to Charlie's eyes.

"How many died, do you think?" Dee asked.

"In here alone? Probably something like fifty," Dennis said.

"It looks like there are more Fire bodies than Air bodies," Dee said.

Dennis nodded. "They held their own, at least."

Dee shook her head. "Too bad we didn't get here sooner. Then we could've had something to eat."

"Dee!" Dennis said, scandalized. "We couldn't possibly eat all these people!"

"Well not all of them!" Dee defended herself. "Just, y'know, maybe make a sample platter of whatever looks the tastiest."

Dennis nodded. "That's not a bad idea." He noticed Charlie. "Dude, are you crying?"

"Everyone I've ever known is dead," Charlie said, choked up.

"Uh, no duh, Charlie," Dee said. "We've been telling you that for days."

"They're all dead!" Charlie said. "ALL DEAD! My mom, the monks, the Santas who cheered my mom up on Christmas, Uncle Jack...DEAD! DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD! DEAD!"

"Yeah, and?" Dennis asked.

Charlie glared at him. "You don't get it, do you?"

"Yeah, they're all dead," Dennis said flatly. "Do you really care?"

Charlie looked pissed for a moment, and then sighed. "You know, they _were_ mostly jerks."

"Yeah, so let's get out of here," Dee said. "I hate this place."

Dennis nodded. "Me too."

"Yeah, I hate the Southern Air Temple too," Charlie agreed.

"So it's decided, we're never coming back here again," Dennis said.

"Nope," Charlie agreed.

"Never," Dee said.

* * *

Liam and Ryan staggered out of Ryan's tent, panting heavily and leaning on each other as they walked back towards Liam's ship.

"Oh, wait, wait," Liam said between breaths. "There's something I've gotta tell you."

Ryan looked confused. "Was it something I did?"

"No," Liam said. "It's about the Avatar."

Ryan looked shocked. "The Avatar?"

"The Avatar," Liam confirmed.

"He's alive?" Ryan asked.

"He's alive," Liam said. "And he's probably my ticket to getting unbanished so I can get back home and start fucking you and Margaret without complaints from our dumbass dad."

"...how's that?" Ryan asked.

"If I bring the Fire Nation's greatest enemy in, he'll be forced to unbanish me," Liam explained. "And then, we're on a one-way ticket to fuck city on the fuck train!"

Ryan looked blank. "I don't get it."

"Look," Liam said. "I'm going after him. But you should too. And if you capture him, you have to have him escape so I can capture him, so we can have sex more often."

Ryan grinned manically. "I get it now."

"Good," Liam said. "Now I've gotta find Uncle and go."

"Don't bother," their uncle said, walking up behind him. "Can you believe this place doesn't have any hooers?"

"It's a military camp," Ryan said.

"Exactly!" their uncle declared. "This place should be crawling with hooers! Now c'mon, Liam, let's get out of here."

"Yes," Liam said. "Let's get back on the trail of the Avatar, so I can fuck my sister again!"

His uncle looked at him funny. "You're one creepy kid, you know that?"

"Shut up, uncle."

* * *

Dee stomach growled as Appa cut a path through the evening air.

"Okay, we really need to find some food," Dee said.

Dennis yawned. "You need to relax about that. Try getting some sleep."

"I can't sleep!" Dee said angrily. "We're flying through the air on the back of a giant buffalo, I haven't eaten since yesterday, and we spent the entire day wandering around an abandoned temple filled with corpses! What about that says sleep-inducing?"

"Hey, you know, you can have some of my food," Charlie offered. "You know, if you want."

Dee's jaw dropped. "You have food?"

"Sure," Charlie said. "In the saddlebags."

Dee rushed over to one of them, pulled it open, and pulled out a couple of cans of cat food, a bottle of glue, and a can of beer.

"Charlie!" Dee complained. "You only packed cat food?"

Charlie turned around to face her. "Yeah, see, what you wanna do is, you wanna eat one of those, huff a little glue, and drink some beer."

Dee stared at him. "This is cat food, Charlie."

"Look, Dee, I can't explain it," Charlie said. "There's some kind of weird chemical reaction that happens when you combine cat food, beer and glue, it makes you feel like extremely sick and tired and you're able to fall asleep."

"Why would I want to make myself extremely sick and tired?" Dee asked.

"Because Appa moans whenever we fly at night, and you have _no idea_ how loud a flying buffalo can be," Charlie said, chuckling.

"Okay, Charlie, not to be the voice of reason here or anything, but why don't we just land Appa and find some food then?" Dee asked.

"Because we've got to get to Kyoshi island as soon as possible, so uh, eat up, Dee!" Charlie said. "Oh, and toss me a beer and some cat food. And that glue."

Dee tossed the stuff already in her hands at him. He caught them and set them down before picking up the can of cat food and shoveling it down his throat. Cat food finished, he discarded the can, then took a huge whiff of the glue before popping open the beer and draining it in a single gulp. He tossed the beer can overboard as well, and then fell backwards into the saddle.

"Oh, I am not feeling good at all," Charlie muttered. "I gotta go to sleep."

Appa let out a loud moan.

"It's starting, right on time," Charlie muttered, eyes already shut. "You might wanna...start in on that stuff..."

Dee and Dennis stared at Charlie, appalled. Appa continued to moan as he flew on through the night.

"Well this is fucking fantastic," Dennis said, annoyed. "I hope whatever this Kyoshi Island is, it at least has chicks!"


	4. The Gang Finds Land

Prince Liam breathed in and out as he meditated in his bedroom. He was all alone, and the only adornments he had were his candles, some scrolls, and a wall filled with bondage equipment. The door to his room opened, and his uncle stepped in. Liam's eyes opened.

"The only reason you should be interrupting me is if you have news about the Avatar," he stated calmly.

"Well there is news, but you might not like it," his uncle said. "Don't get too upset."

"Uncle, you taught me that keeping a level head is a sign of a great leader," Liam said.

His uncle frowned. "Really? That doesn't sound like me."

"Maybe it came from a fortune cookie," Liam allowed. "But whatever you have to say, I'm sure I'll accept it."

"Okay then," his uncle said. "We have no idea where he is."

The flames from the candles erupted towards the ceiling. "WHAT?"

His uncle winced. "Maybe we should open a window in here."

The flames dissipated. "I don't think it's that bad..."

"No, I mean I had tacos for lunch," his uncle admitted. "With extra beans and guacamole!"

"Why would you ever ask for extra guacamole?" Liam asked, fear in his voice. "You know what it does to your digestive system!"

"I know, I know," his uncle said. "But it's supposed to be great for my hair."

"YOU HAVE NO HAIR YOU BALDING FUCK!" Liam yelled angrily. He snatched the map away from his uncle and used the scroll to break the window in his quarters. "FUCK!"

A loud, wet fart erupted from the depths of his uncle's bowels, and Liam began choking. He collapsed to the floor.

His uncle shrugged. "Sorry."

"Set a course towards the nearest landmass," Liam demanded through his tears. "We need to find fresh air."

* * *

**The Gang Finds Land**

* * *

Dennis scanned a map and looked up quizzically. "You have no idea where we're going, do you?"

"Well, I know it's near water," Charlie said.

Dennis peered over the side of Appa. They were surrounded by nothing but ocean.

"Yeah, no," Dennis said. "Move over, I'm taking charge here." He made his way to the front of the saddle and pushed Charlie aside.

"Hey!" Charlie complained. "I'm the Avatar!"

"Big deal," Dennis said. "Dee, you finished fixing my pants?"

Dee looked angry. "Why am I always the one who has to fix your pants?"

"Because you're easily distracted by glittery things and twigs," Charlie said. "Also, you're the only one who knows how to sew."

"Yeah," Dennis said. "So where's my pants?"

Dee threw the pants at the back of Dennis's head. He reached back, caught them, and looked them over. He scowled.

"Dee!" Dennis complained. "The fuck is this?"

"Your pants," Dee said sweetly. "Is there a problem?"

"Yeah!" Dennis complained, sticking his hand through a hole in them. "This hole is totally wrong!"

Charlie shrugged. "Dude, I walk around with holes in my pants all the time."

"That's not the point, Charlie!" Dennis said, turning back to his sister. "How the hell is anyone supposed to get a glimpse of my magnificent package when the _hole_ is over the _knee?_ Well, Dee?"

Dee stuck her tongue out at him. "Maybe you should do your own alterations next time!"

"Maybe you should use your brain for once, you bitch!" Dennis shot back.

Charlie pointed to his right. "Hey! Look!"

"What?" Dennis and Dee snapped in unison.

"Land!" Charlie said.

* * *

A few minutes later, the trio landed the bison in the natural harbor and dismounted.

"Alright, Charlie," Dennis said. "There had _better_ be some chicks here. Hot ones!"

Charlie shrugged. "Maybe? I'm not sure where we are."

Dee's mouth dropped open. "You're the one who led us here!"

"No, Dee, I'm the one who pointed out where the land was," Charlie said. "And besides, Dennis was driving!"

"Dee, you bitch!" Dennis complained. "If it weren't for you fucking up my pants, we wouldn't be in this deserted hellscape!"

Before Dee could respond, several figures dropped from the trees and shoved bags over their heads. Seconds later, the trio were tied up and dragged away, into a small village, where they were tied to a pole.

"You've got some explaining to do," one of the figures said.

"That's right," another one said. "And if you don't answer our questions, we'll feed you to our fish!"

Charlie chuckled. "No, see, fish don't eat people. People eat fish."

"Wrong!" one of their captors declared. "_Cats_ eat fish!"

Charlie shrugged as well as he could through his bonds. "Well sure, them too."

"Show yourselves, cowards!" Dennis spat out. "Take these blindfolds off and let's see who you really are!"

The figures obeyed. Dennis looked into the faces of several women dressed like cats.

"Who are you?" he asked incredulously. "Where are the men who ambushed us?"

"There were no men!" the foremost of the group declared. "We ambushed you! Now who are you, and why are you here?"

Dee snorted. "Nice job, Dennis. You got beat up by a bunch of girls."

The leader of the group strode forward and grabbed Dee's face. "A bunch of girls, huh? Oh, the fish are gonna eat well tonight!"

"Stop it!" Dee protested. "Your nails are digging into my face!"

"They're not nails, they're claws!" the woman retorted. "And they _should_ dig into you! You're a bird!"

"Hold on," Charlie said. "Why are you upset in the first place."

"You came on our island without permission," one of the other women supplied. "And you should know, we're _very_ territorial."

"Yes," their leader purred, running a finger down Dennis's face. "We're _very_ territorial animals."

"Okay, Charlie, this chick is really starting to creep me out," Dennis said nervously.

She slapped him. "I am no chick! I am a fully-grown feline!"

"Okay, look," Charlie interrupted. "I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I'm the Avatar, and if you just let us go we'll be on our way."

"You're the Avatar?" an old man with catlike whiskers asked.

"That's right," Charlie said.

"The Avatar is an airbender who disappeared a hundred years ago!" another old man declared. "Throw them to the fishes!"

"Wait!" the leader of the catwomen exclaimed. "Not this one." She traced circles on Dennis's chest with one finger. "Save this one...for me."

"Okay, Charlie?" Dee asked.

"Yeah Dee?" Charlie said.

"I know it's not really something you do a lot of, but COULD YOU SHOW THEM YOU'RE THE AVATAR AND SAVE OUR BUTTS?"

"Oh," Charlie said. "I guess so."

Charlie airbent his way out of his bonds and landed in front of the rest of the female feline warriors. Their jaws dropped.

"Alright," admitted the first old man. "I guess you might be the Avatar."

* * *

Soon, Charlie and his friends were living in the lap of luxury. Appa was being combed, an enormous table of food and drink was laid out before them, and the entire island seemed to be at their feet.

"You know," Dee said around a mouthful of cake, "this is the first time you being the Avatar has worked out in our favor."

"I know, right?" Charlie said. "There's a reason I don't want everybody to know!"

"Hey, Dennis!" Dee said. "You _have_ to try this cake!"

"Fuck you!" Dennis shot back. "I don't eat, Dee! I am a machine, no, I am a god! And gods NEVER need to feed!"

"What about sex?" Charlie said through a mouthful of food. "Do gods need sex?"

Dennis's brow wrinkled, and he stood up and walked out of the room.

"You realize this is going to backfire horribly on him, right?" Dee asked.

Charlie shrugged. "Serves him right for trying to steer Appa. Hey, they even have milksteak! I love this place!"

* * *

"Lieutenant!" Liam demanded. "What is taking us so long? Where's the nearest landmass?"

"Well, the nearest landmass is Kyoshi Island," the lieutenant explained. "But we don't go there. It's officially neutral territory."

Liam grabbed the lieutenant by the front of his armor and shook him furiously. "Good God, man! Don't you understand what's at stake?"

Belowdecks, his uncle's bowels erupted in another expulsion of fumes. A few seconds later, the lieutenant's entire face seemed to collapse in on itself as the stench hit it.

"We're going to Kyoshi Island," he finally managed to gasp.

* * *

Dennis approached a large cabin and looked in. A smile spread across his face as he entered.

"Sorry ladies, didn't mean to interrupt your dance lesson," he said cockily. "I was just looking for somewhere to get a little workout."

"Well," the leader of the warriors said, sidling up to him, "you're in the wrong place."

"Would you happen to know the right place?" Dennis asked.

She put an arm around his shoulders and led him out of the cabin. "Come with me, darling. There is no better workout than...the _hunt_."

"You know, I'm a bit of a hunter myself," Dennis admitted. "How about yourself?"

The woman's eyes shone. "Oh, the pussy hunts."

Dennis stopped in his tracks. "I thought it was usually a hunt for–"

The woman grabbed him and stared deeply into his eyes. "The. Pussy. Hunts."

Dennis looked nervous.

* * *

Charlie took a big swig of beer and belched. "You know, Dennis has been gone awhile. Maybe we should find him and get out of here."

Dee shook her head. "Nah. He'll find his way back to us eventually."

"Yeah, but what if he doesn't?" Charlie asked.

Dee shrugged.

"Dee!" Charlie complained. "He's your brother!"

"He's also a total asshole," Dee said blandly. "So, y'know...fuck him."

Charlie thought for a few seconds. "Fair point."

* * *

"Oh god oh god oh god," Dennis mumbled, running though the snowy forest. "This is not how I expected today to go!"

Behind him, a woman cackled. Dennis's hair stood on end as she hissed, growing closer. He put on an extra burst of speed to try and get away.

* * *

"You know, why don't we just stay here forever?" Charlie asked. "I mean, they like us here, and they give us food, and, well, I think it would be a good idea to just hang around for a while."

Dee nodded. "You know, I don't often agree with you, but I think you're right. This could be our new stomping grounds."

* * *

Dennis stood, back to a tree, as the woman slowly approached him, a predatory grin on her face.

"Whatever you're gonna do, make it quick," he babbled desperately. "Don't–don't stretch it out."

"Oh, are you sure about that?" she said seductively. "I don't think your thing needs any more stretching out."

Dennis breathed heavily.

"You know, this is my favorite part of the hunt," she purred. "The capture. Now take off your pants."

Dennis looked confused. "What?"

"Take off your pants," she said. "Then take me."

"Take...you?" Dennis asked. "Like, sexually?"

"Yes," she purred.

"Okay, sure," Dennis said, stripping off his clothes. In front of him, the warrior did the same, shrugging off her top and letting it fall to the ground behind her. Dennis paused, pants halfway off.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE MULTIPLE NIPPLES?"

* * *

The Fire Nation ship collided with the shore heavily. As soon as the gangplank went down, the entire population of the ship ran off onto Kyoshi Island.

"Finally!" Liam wheezed. "Fresh air!"

Behind them on the ship, another spectacular expulsion was heard, and the sailor's faces paled. They began running deeper into the island.

* * *

Dennis gasped for air as he approached the village. Behind him, a woman cackled.

"You can't outrun the cat!" she called out to him. "The cat always catches its prey!"

"Not today!" Dennis choked out. "Not today!"

The woman hissed behind him and pounced. Dennis jumped, barely avoiding her, and continued to run as she chased him on all fours.

"God!" Dennis choked out. "Someone! Help! Please!"

A loud horn rang out just as the woman pounced on Dennis and drove him into the ground. Several of the warriors appeared from all number of different houses. One of them noticed Dennis.

"Maureen!" she called. "Firebenders have landed! We have to fight them off!"

Maureen's lips curled into a scowl as she got off of Dennis. She glowered down at him.

"You got _lucky_," she informed him harshly.

Dennis just watched her join the battalion of warriors.

"She had multiple rows of nipples," he muttered to himself. "Why did she have so many nipples?"

* * *

Maureen stood at the head of the warriors as the Fire Nation sailors ran into the town.

"You made a big mistake, entering our territory!" she declared.

Liam threw his hands up. "Please! We only want sanctuary! We beg of you!"

"There will be no sanctuary here for you!" Dee yelled out a window.

Liam looked up at her, and his forehead creased. "Hey, wait, aren't you with the Avatar?"

"That's me!" Charlie said, poking his head out of the window. "Wait! You're that guy who tried to capture me!"

Maureen's eyes blazed as she stared at Liam. "You tried to capture the Avatar?"

Before Liam could say anything to defend himself, his uncle stumbled into the town and let out another loud, wet, extremely horrible fart.

"Oh god!" one of the warriors declared. "They're using chemical weapons!"

In response, Liam's uncle let another fart rip. The citizens of the village began to run away, fleeing their homes. Maureen turned her eyes on Charlie and Dee.

"YOU!" she howled. "YOU led the Fire Nation here!"

"Hey, we didn't do shit, bitch!" Dee called back.

"That's it!" Maureen said angrily. "WARRIORS! ATTACK THE AVATAR AND HIS FRIENDS!"

As one, the warriors turned their attention to Dee and Charlie.

"...okay," Dee said uncomfortably. "Maybe we should run?"

"That seems like a good idea," Charlie agreed.

Dee and Charlie ran from the cabin, pursued by the Kyoshi Warriors. Along the way, they grabbed Dennis and hauled him with them as they boarded Appa at breakneck speed.

"Appa!" Charlie yelled desperately. "Yip-yip!"

Appa took off with an annoyed grunt, leaving behind them an incredibly enraged Kyoshi Island population and an island now infected with the bumstink of Liam's uncle.

* * *

"So what now?" Dee asked as they sailed off on Appa.

Charlie blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what do we do now," Dee reiterated. "We just basically nuked Kyoshi Island, Charlie! We're not welcome back there again!"

"Hopefully, we go somewhere the women have the appropriate number of nipples," Dennis muttered.

Dee and Charlie gave him confused looks.

"Oh yeah, Dennis, I almost forgot," Dee said sweetly. "How was your day?"

Dennis glared at her. "Dee, you bitch."

"Don't worry, guys," Charlie said. "I know our next stop, and I'm pretty sure we're not all going to end up killed over it. The guy who runs that place is a total party dude."


	5. The Gang Hangs Out with Psycho Pete

Charlie set Appa down on a hilltop. On the other side of a chasm stood a large city carved out of a mountain.

"This is the Earth Kingdom city of Omashu!" he declared. "And guess who we're here to meet?"

"Lemme guess," Dee said sarcastically. "Some kind of waitress you're madly in love with?"

"What? No!" Charlie said, chuckling. "What kind of freak falls in love with a waitress?"

"Yeah," Dennis said. "Everyone knows that waitresses are good for two things: fucking, and crying."

"Who'd ever want to fall in love with something like that?" Charlie continued. "That's just crazy, Dee."

"I mean, we knew you were a birdbrain, but that's pretty stupid," Dennis agreed.

"Idiotic, really," Charlie said.

"Moronic," Dennis said.

"Oh would you shut up!" Dee snapped. "Let's just go to this city or whatever and find your waitress!"

"It's not a waitress!" Charlie shot back. "It's my old friend Pete!"

"Pete?" Dennis asked.

"You had friends?" Dee asked at the same time.

"Sure I had friends!" Charlie said. "And Pete was the greatest! Man, that dude used to run the freight train, and scream in babies' faces, and was a total psycho! You've got to meet him!"

Dee and Dennis traded looks.

"Charlie," Dennis said carefully, "I'm not sure how I feel about you taking us to meet a psychopath."

"Yeah," Dee said. "We don't know what he'll do."

Charlie grinned. "C'mon. What, you think he'll kill and eat us?"

"Well..." Dee said uncomfortably.

"Because Psycho Pete wouldn't do that," Charlie said reassuringly. "I mean, sure, he did that to his parents, but no way is he gonna do that to us."

Dee and Dennis looked at each other, shocked, before turning back to Charlie.

"Charlie!" Dee complained. "We are _not_ going to go hang out with Psycho Pete!"

* * *

**The Gang Hangs Out with Psycho Pete**

* * *

"So why are we walking?" Dennis groused as Charlie led them up a steep ramp into the city.

"Well, you know, it's good for the heart. Helps keep the circulation going," Charlie explained. "It's pretty effective, gets you from place to place pretty fast; not that hard to do; you know, usual walking reasons."

"I mean, why didn't we just take your giant flying buffalo?" Dennis asked angrily. "It could save us some effort!"

Charlie shook his head. "Nah. Appa doesn't like the big city."

"So what?" Dee asked angrily. "It's an animal! Nobody cares what it does or doesn't like!"

"Yeah, but I don't want Psycho Pete to decide to set Appa on fire," Charlie explained. "I mean, he's like the main type of transportation we have. Although I guess we could walk everywhere. But walking's so boring."

"Charlie, you're walking right now," Dee pointed out.

"I know, and it sucks!" Charlie said. "We should just take Appa into the city!"

"Yeah, we should," Dennis agreed. "Let's turn around and get him."

Charlie shrugged. "I would, but it's such a long walk back. And besides, we'd never get him through customs."

Dee's jaw dropped. "Charlie. It's a giant flying buffalo. We don't need to take it through customs."

Charlie didn't respond. He was too busy watching the person ahead of him in line.

"What do you think you're doing?" one of the city guards asked angrily, prodding at a cabbage. "Rotten cabbages? What kind of slum do you think this is?"

The guard used his earthbending to knock the cart of cabbages off the path. The vendor raced to the side of the path just in time to see the cart plummet into the gulch.

"No, my cabbages!" she yelped desperately.

Charlie watched as she despondently headed back down the path, passing by the trio.

"Charlie!" Dee yelled, for not the first time. "Wake up!"

"Huh?" Charlie asked, shaking his head. "What's going on?"

"We're next in line, Charlie," Dee said.

Dennis shook his head. "You know what, guys, maybe I should do the talking here."

"Oh yeah?" Dee challenged him. "Why should _you_ do the talking?"

"Dee, you're a bird. Charlie, you're a moron," Dennis summed up. "And I know exactly what to say to get us through these gates. So shut up and let me work."

Dee and Charlie glanced at each other and shrugged. Dennis purposefully walked towards the city guards.

"Halt!" one of them commanded.

Dennis put his hands up in a calming motion. "Listen, I don't want any trouble."

One of the guards grinned. "That's nice. Neither do we."

"But my friend over there is the Avatar," Dennis said, gesturing to him.

The guard frowned. "The bird?"

"No!" Dennis said. "The person next to the bird! And that's my sister!"

The guard scratched his chin. "Why does your sister have a beard?"

"And why don't you have a beard?" another guard added. "It'd make you look more badass."

"Nothing more badass than a beard," the first guard agreed.

Dennis looked annoyed. "Ignoring how a beard would mess up the magnificent lines of my flawless chin–"

"Whoa whoa whoa flawless?" a third guard cut in. "Your chin's not flawless. It doesn't have a beard."

"Yeah," the second guard agreed. "No beard, no getting in."

"I have a beard!" Charlie piped up. "Can I get in?"

"Yeah, sure," the first guard said.

"Sweet!" Charlie exclaimed. "Gonna go see Psycho Pete!"

"Hold on," Dee interjected. "Since he has a beard, and we're his guests, can we go with him?"

The guards looked at each other and shrugged. "Sure, why not."

The trio trekked into the city.

"Hold on a minute, Dee," Dennis pointed out. "I thought we were in agreement that seeing a serial killer was a bad idea."

Dee shrugged. "I'm bored."

The city gates shut behind them just as the cabbage vendor came back up the ramp, lugging behind her another cart of cabbages.

"Are these cabbages okay?" she asked wearily.

One of the guards walked over and picked one out. He took a big bite, chewed, and swallowed.

"Well, these cabbages are ripe," he admitted. "But cabbage sucks!"

The guards earthbent the cart of cabbages off the path and into the chasm below.

* * *

"So, guys," Charlie said after they got into the city, "where do you think Pete is?"

"Dead," Dennis said.

"Dead," Dee agreed.

Charlie pouted. "C'mon! I don't shoot down your dreams!"

"That's because our dreams don't involved dead people, Charlie!" Dee said angrily.

"Usually," Dennis noted.

"You're trying to find a guy you knew a hundred years ago in a massive city in a world torn apart by war!" Dee pointed out. "Even if he lived that long, why would he still be _here?_"

Charlie shrugged. "Why would he leave?"

"Probably because he was a psycho who killed his parents and screamed at babies," Dennis said.

"Okay, you guys seem really hung up on the whole screaming at babies thing," Charlie said.

"We're hung up on the whole psycho thing!" Dennis exclaimed. "It's not just the screaming at babies part!"

"Well screaming at babies is really fun," Charlie insisted.

Dee crossed her arms. "Oh really."

"Yeah!" Charlie said. "Let me show you!"

Charlie turned around and ran towards the nearest baby carriage. He looked down into it.

"Aw, who's a cute baby?" he cooed. "Is it you? Is it–"

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BABY YOU PERVERT!" the mother holding the carriage screamed.

Charlie looked up just in time to catch a fist to the face. As he stumbled backwards, the mother advanced, swinging wildly at him, catching him in the face, the stomach, and the neck. As Charlie bent over, wind knocked out of him, she grabbed him by the ears and rapidly slammed his face into her knee multiple times before letting go of him so he could stumble backwards before taking a running start and delivering an extremely forceful kick to his nuts. Charlie went flying backwards and slammed into a cart full of cabbages, knocking it over and sending cabbages tumbling down the street.

"MY CABBAGES!" the cabbage vendor shrieked.

Charlie squinted up at her, dazed. "Hey. You're kinda hot."

"What's going on here?" an authoritative voice boomed.

"That man's a pedophile!" the mother announced, pointing at Charlie. "Arrest him!"

The guard strode forward and grabbed Charlie by the wrist. "You're coming with me."

"Those two are his friends," the cabbage vendor said, pointing at Dennis and Dee.

Dee gave her a flabbergasted look. "Why?"

"Never mind that," the guard said. "Bring them in as well."

Two guards walked over and snatched Dennis and Dee.

* * *

The trio were led into a large, poorly-lit hall, where a middle-aged man held court.

"Now what's all this?" he asked.

"Your Honor, these three were arrested on charges of attempted kidnapping, wanton destruction of property, destruction of food, and attempted rape," a guard told him.

"Now that's a lie!" Charlie spoke up. "I wasn't going to _rape_ the baby. Just scream at it a little, you know."

"...scream at it?" the judge inquired, seemingly at a loss for words.

"Yeah," Charlie said. "You know, just grab it and uh, scream in its' face. For a bit. To get it to cry."

The judge blinked several times.

"Well, you know, I had a friend who used to do that," Charlie explained. "Psycho Pete. Total party animal! He used to live here, actually. Do you know where he is?"

The judge rubbed his forehead. "How...why did you think that was a good idea?"

"Well it's funny!" Charlie explained. "You scream at a baby, it starts screaming back, everyone cracks up!"

"Charlie," Dennis interrupted. "Could I handle this?"

"No!" Charlie exclaimed. "You're not a lawyer!"

"Neither are you!" Dee complained.

"Wrong!" Charlie said. "I'm the best bird lawyer IN THE WORLD!"

"This isn't about bird law Charlie!" Dennis said angrily. "This is about us not going to Earth Kingdom prison because you wanted to scream at some babies!"

Charlie laughed. "Screaming at babies isn't a crime."

"Charlie!" Dee said angrily. "We are in COURT! With a JUDGE! He's going to throw us in jail!"

"She's right," the judge affirmed.

"Guys, guys, relax," Charlie said. "I know exactly what to say to get us out of this."

Dennis shut his eyes. "Oh god..."

Charlie turned back to the judge. "You're not a real judge, and this isn't a real court. We're leaving."

The judge looked annoyed. "Throw them in jail."

* * *

"Well that's just great Charlie!" Dee complained. "Now we're in jail together!"

"Why'd you get the hot chick in your cell?" Charlie asked.

"Wait, Dee has a hot chick with her?" Dennis asked.

"Hey," the cabbage vendor greeted them.

Dennis frowned. "Oh, it's just the cabbage vendor."

"Don't say that man, she's beautiful!" Charlie said.

The cabbage vendor looked at him, disgusted. "Why would I ever want anything to do with a pedophile?"

"I'm not a pedophile!" Charlie defended himself. "I just wanted to scream at babies!"

The cabbage vendor shook her head and turned away.

"So what now, Charlie?" Dee asked sarcastically. "Got some big plan to get us out of jail?"

"Well, I mean, I could," Charlie said.

"Great," Dennis said. "Do it."

"What?" Charlie asked. "Why?"

Dee stared at him, flabbergasted. "We're in jail, Charlie!"

"I know!" Charlie said enthusiastically. "Free meals, a bed–two beds, actually. What more could you ask for?"

"To not be in jail!" Dee exclaimed.

Charlie lay down on one of the cots. "You can't have everything, Dee."

Dee groaned and thunked her head against the bars of her cell.

* * *

Half an hour had passed by the time Charlie sat up again.

"I'm bored," Charlie said. "We should start hunting for Psycho Pete again."

Dee and Dennis stared at him, unsure of what to say.

"...Charlie," Dennis said when he finally recovered his voice. "I'm pretty sure that Psycho Pete is dead."

"Yeah," Dee said. "He probably got killed by angry citizens after he ate a baby."

Charlie chuckled. "Psycho Pete doesn't _eat_ babies. He eats fully grown adults."

"Regardless–" Dennis tried to cut in.

"I mean, think about it," Charlie continued. "Babies way like nine, maybe ten pounds at the most. An adult is a hundred and forty, a hundred and sixty, maybe even three hundred if they're really fat. Why would you ever eat a baby instead of an adult? It makes no sense, Dee!"

"Yeah, Dee!" Dennis agreed.

"Why are you agreeing with him?" Dee asked, upset.

"Well I mean, Charlie has a point," Dennis said.

"No he doesn't!" Dee said angrily. "He very much has _no_ point! He's just trying to get us to go with him to find a guy who's almost certainly a corpse, and even more certainly _completely insane!_"

"Well when you put it like that it sounds crazy," Charlie said dismissively.

"How–how would you put it?" Dennis asked.

"Charlie's trying to find his long-lost friend," Charlie said simply.

"Well we can't do it from jail, Charlie!" Dee shot back.

"Oh, right," Charlie said. "That."

"Yeah," Dennis said flatly. "That."

Charlie bent a strong gust of wind at the cell door, knocking it off its hinges. He then did the same for the cell across the way. Dee gaped at him.

"You mean you could have done that this whole time?" she complained.

Charlie shrugged. "Yeah."

Dee shook her head. "Unbelievable."

"Whatever," Dennis said. "Let's get out of here."

"Hold on, what?" the cabbage seller asked. "You guys are just breaking out of jail?"

Charlie shrugged. "Yeah. Come with us?"

The cabbage seller looked around uncomfortably.

"Whatever, Charlie, let's just go," Dennis prodded him.

"Yeah, before this gets worse," Dee agreed.

Charlie cast a long look back at the cabbage seller and then followed his friends away from the cells. The cabbage seller waited for a few seconds, and then crept out of her cell and towards the exit.

* * *

Liam threw open the door to his uncle's cabin. "Uncle!"

His uncle looked over at him. Liam paused.

"Are you gonna, uh, put that away?" he asked.

His uncle shrugged and continued jerking off. "You're the one who interrupted me."

"Fine, whatever," Liam said, trying to ignore his uncle's rhythmic motions. "The Avatar has been sighted in the Earth Kingdom!"

"So?" his uncle asked, not pausing.

"So, the trail is hot! We need to follow it!" Liam announced.

"If you say so," his uncle muttered.

* * *

Dee, Dennis, and Charlie ran full tilt down one of the main roads, several angry guards in tow.

"Have you ever heard of stealth?" Dennis howled at Charlie.

"I've heard of it," Charlie admitted.

"THEN WHY ARE WE BEING CHASED BY GUARDS, CHARLIE?" Dee screamed.

"Well, I mean, I've only heard of it," Charlie panted. "I don't exactly know how to–hey, look!"

Charlie skidded to a stop in front of a reasonably-sized statue. Dee and Dennis halted beside him.

"What?" Dee spat, looking aghast at Charlie's poor prioritization skills.

Charlie pointed at the statue. "There he is! That's Psycho Pete!"

Dennis cast an odd look at the Avatar. "Are you sure? He's a lot less...psycho than I imagine."

"Nah, nah, read the plaque," Charlie said, gesturing to the sign bolted to the statue. "I bet they put this statue up to remind everyone of what a party animal he was, and the fear he spread through the streets!"

Dennis squinted at the inscription. "In honor of...Pete Burgess?"

"That's his last name?" Charlie asked. "Huh. I never knew."

"Pete Burgess," Dennis continued, "one of the greatest mayors and statesmen the city of Omashu has ever known. His steady hand and calm demeanor will be missed."

"Wait, WHAT?" Charlie asked, shocked. "That can't be! Pete was a total psycho!"

"More like a total lameo," Dee said snarkily.

"Are you three done oohing and awing over the statue of our late mayor?" a sharp voice from behind them reprimanded them.

The trio slowly turned around to see the guards standing behind them, ready to attack.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Charlie said uncomfortably. "We were just leaving."

The lead guard smirked. "No, you're coming back to jail with us."

"Uh..." Charlie droned before grabbing his friends and using a boost of air from his feet to lift himself over the guards. He headed towards the city gates, bounding all the way using his airbending, and escaped down the ramp. The guards stopped at the edge of the city.

"Should we follow them, sir?" one of the guards asked.

The lead guard shook his head. "Nah. They're someone else's problem now."

* * *

The judge shook his head. "Breaking out of jail the day you get put in to await trial? Really?"

"It was the other three people who broke out!" the cabbage seller protested. "Honest! I was just trying to find someone and alert them!"

"A likely story," the judge said sarcastically. "However, as your original charges were for merely disturbing the peace and public intoxication, this court has decided to err on the side of mercy. You are simply to be banished from the city and your cabbages confiscated."

The judge brought his gavel down.

"NO!" the cabbage vendor wailed. "MY CABBAGES!"

"Next time, don't hang out with sickos," a guard grunted as he led her out of the courtroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wondering when the Waitress would get here.

**Author's Note:**

> This is now an ongoing thing it looks like. No clue when or if it'll be completed, but there's a pretty good chance it won't suddenly be deleted. Probably.


End file.
